The Latest Epidemic Among America’s Youth

by Luke McIlwee

I sat in the doctor’s office, waiting anxiously. My father once told me that a successful man will be prepared for the worst, and I had gone through every scenario I could think of. But nothing could have prepared me for the news that I was about to receive. After a long wait, the white coated man returned with a clipboard in his hand and a disdainful look on his face. “What do I have doc?” I said slowly, trying to hold back my increasing terror. “Well son, I have some good news, and some bad news.” He said in a serious tone, ignoring the obvious cliché he had just delivered. “The good news is that what you have isn’t going to kill you, the bad news is…” his pause sent a shiver down my spine “you have senioritis.”

Senioritis is a contagious disease that affects thousands of high school seniors every year. Its symptoms include, but are not limited to: extreme procrastination, lack of motivation, dropping grades, and a misconception that seniors are entitled to do whatever they want. One mother of a high school senior reported “My son has been infected for months now, all he does is sit in his hammock drinking smoothies and reading comics all day. It’s just too much for a mother to handle.” Surely seeing her son in such a condition must be difficult. Many professionals agree that the senioritis bug attacks its victim psychologically, leaving them unable to take the rest of their high school career seriously. So far, efforts to discover a cure for this epidemic have been unsuccessful. But there is hope for a new method that helps counteract the senioritis, which includes telling the infected person to stop being a bum.