What if your partner cheated on your finances?

This can happen to anybody: You're happily married. You've got your finances under control. Debt is manageable. You're building a home and family with people you love. And then out of the blue you get a mysterious call asking for your sweetie. They can't pronounce your partner's name so you figure they can't possibly know her/him. So you question the caller in order to deflect an unwanted call, but the caller is unrelenting, so you hand over the phone. As you watch and listen to half the conversation you learn that the caller is from a collection agency. Which can only mean that your honey has been hiding something--something that affects both of you.

That's about how Alex found out about the financial infidelity in her marriage. Though it doesn't always reach the collections stage financial infidelity is the #1 marriage killer. How can you be sure your honey is being true? Well, you can't always tell. It's easy enough for spouses to open secret credit cards and hidden bank accounts. They could sail smoothly along if they pay their secret bills on time and refrain from debt. But people who commit financial infidelity rarely maintain control. There is a reason that they keep these secrets and those reasons often spell trouble for both of you.

According to Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, relationship therapist and author of Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker happens for various reasons, but relationships can survive and overcome damage.

What leads to Financial Infidelity:

• Financial worth inequities--when one spouse earns less they may feel undervalued. Financial infidelities may make them feel more worthy.


• Financial abuse--when one partner uses money to control the other. This is similar to inequity, but the controlling partner degrades the other often by keeping too tight of control of spending money. This is not always intentional.


• Addiction--comes in many forms: shopping, gambling, or any kind of spending.

Dr. Bonnie reassures us the Financial Infidelity can be overcome. For Alex and others in her situation the first step is to clean up the mess. To avoid repeats the partners will have to address the core of the problem.

• Understand how buying, rewarding, or controlling behavior with money can open the door to lies, betrayals, and affairs


• Understand how childhood relationships to money and love can create damaging emotional links


• Separate the value of their relationship from the value of their bank account


• Disconnect from harmful emotional and financial behaviors in order to reconnect with their partner

Financial infidelity doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. It does however take patience to work through. And just because you've solved one incident doesn't guarantee there won't be others. But then marriage isn't all flowers and chocolate and neither is life. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Hey December is Engagement Month. More couple's become engaged in December than in February. And since this is a credit union blog--I'm going to take a look at the financials of love all week.

Should you share everything with your partner?

Okay we get that all advice to couples is that honesty and openness are always best. That's not even up for argument. If you want your relationship to be strong it's got to be open and honest, but that doesn't mean that you have to share everything.

Here's what I mean. When it comes to banking accounts couples can choose between joint accounts, shared accounts or a combination. There really is no right formula. My husband and I have been through every version possible. At times we've had only a joint account, or only separate, or a joint and separate. Currently we're back to only a joint account. We've tried all different combinations because at first we were trying to figure out what would work best. But our situations have changed over the years. At sometimes the arrangement work and during others they didn't.

He's a spender, I'm a saver. He knows that so I'm not giving away any embarrassing secrets. Our first join-only account arrangement was a disaster. Although we have different spending styles we are both disorganized. Back when we were newly married we were even worse. He'd be out spending merrily and I would, oh I don't be doing something crazy like paying bills and nothing was coordinated. So we were overdrawn all the time.

Then we moved to cash allowances with a joint account. That didn't work out so well either. I can't remember, but I think he always ran out of money and took from the account anyway. In hindsight this was not entirely his fault he probably needed a larger allowance. Maybe.

Then, oh heck, I can't even remember the sequence of things. I do remember the year we divided up the bills proportionally according to our earnings and went our separate financial ways. That was such a joy! No more fighting about who spent what or whatever. We lived in this bliss for several years. But when I decided to work independently we changed again. We're back to the original joint account. It's been working for several years. That's probably due to maturity, my tight fist, and online banking.

So I think when it comes to the Suze Ormans they definitely have good advice. Suze says to keep a joint account for paying bills, separate accounts for personal spending, and a joint savings vehicle. But don't be afraid to stray and play around with arrangements.

I still believe in the Suzes' advice to keep some things separate but not hidden. Have your own credit card, your own retirement fund, email, iTunes, computer login. A friend of mine even has her own bathroom--not just a sink. Just because you are a couple it doesn't mean that you always have to merge everything. You are still individuals.

Hey December is Engagement Month. More couple's become engaged in December than in February. And since this is a credit union blog--I'm going to take a look at the financials of love all week.

Things to think about before moving in together

photo by ittybittiesforyou

A lot of people choose to live together for various reasons. They might be taking their relationship for a test run, not interested in marriage or unable to legally wed. Whatever the reason cohabitating is more than being roommates or playing house.

Yeah there are all those issues of getting used to another person's habits and personal quirks. But, you've also got to address financial issues such as how to divide the bills and what happens to shared assets if you split.

It's in the best interest of both of you to accept these realities and make a written agreement. Who pays for what doesn't necessarily need to be in a formal document. But it's best if you put what happens to your stuff into a legal cohabitation agreement. Don't assume that you'll both be cooperative if you should break up or that your assets will be divided equitably.

It's often a good idea to open a joint account that you'll use solely for paying bills. You could just divide the bills and then pay them from separate accounts, but what if your partner isn't able to or doesn't take care of their portion. You'll want to set up a direct deposit for each of you into the account. That way if one of you is sick, forgetful or for whatever reason unable to pay bills, the other can make sure that things get taken care of.

If you and your sweetie should fall in love with a house both of your names can be on the title. However, if you finance the majority of the purchase and later breakup, then without a prior agreement you may only get half the value of the home.

Cohabitation agreements aren't just people who are wealthy. What they do is give you some of the legal rights you could be missing out on if you aren't officially married. Hopefully you'll never need to pull it out after it's created, but besides breaking up there are other instances when it could come in handy. If your sweetie should become seriously ill, this is one document that could spell out how assets should be handled.

Here's a good example of what a cohabitation agreement could look like. It doesn't have to be drawn up by an attorney, but it's a good idea get one to look it over. If one of you writes the agreement and it's not reviewed by an attorney it could later be construed by a court against the partner who drew it up. And it's best to use separate attorneys to represent each of your interests. This makes it more fair. Most states do recognize cohabitation agreements for either heterosexual or same-sex couples.

However you approach an agreement be sure that it is a written document. It's much easier to be specific when it's written.

Sure there is nothing romantic about dividing up bills and discussing your possible breakup, but creating an agreement is a healthy move for your relationship. It gives you the chance to clearly set out what responsibilities and assets you have. Which leads to honesty--Be Honest. Don't hide assets from your partner. This could burn you later. If you're bringing more to the relationship than your sweetie write it into the agreement. Make it clear that your inheritance from grandma or other money stash has nothing to do with this relationship--if that's how you feel.

Hey December is Engagement Month. More couple's become engaged in December than in February. And since this is a credit union blog--I'm going to take a look at the financials of love all week.

Surviving engagement

The original purpose of a marriage engagement period was to allow the church time to announce the marriage intent and also to give time for anyone who had judgements against the marriage to come forward. Today, engagements seem to be the ultimate test. If you can survive the wrangling relatives, bridezilla demands, caterers, booking, wedding planners, gift registries and all the other absurdities that go along with planning a wedding then your chances of surviving the marriage are good. Yep, guaranteed you'll learn a lot about how your fiance handles stress and money during this period.

How you plan your wedding is up to you. Of course, I'd like to tell you to keep it within budget. Don't start your marraige off with debt. And don't get swept up by the wedding monster that dictates "musts" such as; registries, exotic honey moons, a dozen bridesmaids, sit-down dinner receptions, etc. Yes, I'd like to, but I won't. I will, however, toot the Coors Credit Union horn for a bit.

Coors Credit Union has some interesting program for engaged couples. The first is the Wedding Savings Registry. It's a way to encourage friends and relatives to give you what you really want most--money. Forget getting a few place settings of china, you can always use cash. When you open a Weddings Savings Registry Coors Credit Union gives you a $50 gift deposit right away. They also provide cards that you can send as an announcement of your Wedding Savings Registry. You can use the account to cover wedding expenses or anything else that will help you start your union on a positive note.

Once the marriage license is issued you can set up a Wedding Checking account. Wedding planning experts advise couples to open a joint checking account to manage and budget for wedding expenses. Fund the account to fit your budget and use it pay for your dream day. After the event you can continue to use your joint account to pay for household expenses. And, when you fund your account through a direct deposit Coors Credit Union will start you off with a $200 gift deposit. Funds may be directly deposited through employment checks or recurring electronic funds transfers.

Hey December is Engagement Month. More couple's become engaged in December than in February. And since this is a credit union blog--I'm going to take a look at the financials of love all week.

Would you tell your girlfriend/boyfriend about your finances?

Early this year there was an article in a money management advice column in which a woman was afraid to disclose her wealth to her boyfriend. She'd been burned before by guys who were only in the relationship for money. The columnist advised her to be honest if she was serious about the relationship. Good advice.


Then I read a question on Yahoo Answers in which a guy wondered why is girlfriend was so upset about his poor financial management and debt. She was at the point of worrying and crying. I was surprised by many answers (from guys) who pegged the girlfriend as a gold digger.

These two aren't the only people trying to figure out how money and love can work together. Love can often lead to marriage and money trouble can often lead to divorce. But how honest should you be and when do you disclose your financial situation?

Sometimes you can pick up clues about the way your date relates to money.

• Is he/she always rushing to the ATM?
• Does he/she complain about bills or debt?
• Does he/she worry about the costs of things?
• Does he/she like to take expensive vacations or buy nice things without a sign of worry?

Of course you'll notice other things. But if the your conversations begin to turn to living together or future plans it's not enough to rely on clues. It's best to be open and ask some direct questions to determine if you are financially compatible.

• Where do you want to spend your life?
• What's your dream job?
• How do you see your life in 10 years?
• How much money do you earn?
• Do you want joint bank accounts? Why?
• What are your financial goals? What's your plan for reaching those goals?
• What is your debt situation?
• How many credit cards do you have?
• What percentage of your income do you spend every payday?
• What are your financial obligations?
• If you or I were offered a lucrative job opportunity in some other region of the country, would you be prepared to move?
• Do you have any long-term savings?

These might sound like a battery of job interview-type questions. So it's up to you how you present these and get your answers. And whether or not the answers change your feelings is up to you. But if you do address these issues there isn't any room for claiming that you were unaware of what you were getting into.

When it comes to love and money this is one area where you've got to separate your hear from your head. That over spender maybe cute, lovable and generous now. But a few years down the road when there are kids to care for and mortgages to pay it you'll need to know that you can count on your other half.

Hey December is Engagement Month. More couple's become engaged in December than in February. And since this is a credit union blog--I'm going to take a look at the financials of love all week.